‘Fessing Up: Naming and Claiming My Desires

empowered invincible

I have a confession to make. I want to be wealthy and famous.  My inner critic has just chastised me for saying this aloud. “Aren’t you supposed to be more evolved than that? What happened during the 8 years of yoga? A spiritual person should…”

Please inner critic, shut the fuck up. You’re out of your element.

I have always wanted to be well-known and loved for something. When I was a kid I wanted to be an actress, or  more accurately, a Hollywood star because I felt fancy and glamorous on the inside and needed that validated for me out in the world. I wanted to sing and be a pop star and go on tour when I wasn’t filming my blockbuster hits. As I matured and valued the need to expand my mind, and after trying to break into the Hollywood scene, I realized that I didn’t want to lay waste to my soul and lose my feminine power. But the desire to have it all never left me.

It is a hunger in me that I still cannot ignore.

Now that hunger is in the desire to teach, write, coach, and share my insights with the world. I want to take my magic and touch others souls with it in a profound way.  I want to do all of this while wearing my vintage glamour of course. I seem to be doing all of this now except for the Oprah level wealthy and famous part and I am getting impatient.

My desire isn’t happening fast enough, in fact most of the time I feel quite rushed. I credit that feeling inside to watching my mother die at forty-two years old. She  waited till she was forty to graduate college. I feel as if I am in a race against time to make something of myself and bring in the cash. I have to know what I am doing. I have to show myself that I am worthy of being here, but to whom? Where inside me does this mania generate?

For so long I have wanted to get rid of my desire because this line of thinking has brought me pain.  I have felt inadequate in pretty much all of the things I have attempted and have a wasteland of unfinished projects in my backyard.  The ticking sound of my internal metronome says “come on, produce!” Sometimes I feel like a slave to my work, my goals and my purpose.

I wonder how other people do it, how they become. Why don’t I feel as good as they seem to feel? I want to feel at ease with my purpose and gifts and have a profile picture that makes you believe it.  I want my intelligence and hard work validated.  I want to continually evolve, ever unfolding, from beginning to end to beginning again.  Do I do that? I don’t know. I am really very insecure.

I don’t get much feedback from the outside world, at least, not enough to my liking. How do I know that I am doing it right?  What was “it” again? I guess I just have to trust myself. Now that is quite the task.

I want my life to be easy. I have gone through enough hardships already. But if I heal, I am strong enough to grow. If I grow, I can grow my life and belief that I can repeat this process with each challenge I am given. There is no other way it can be done, believe me I have tried to live on Easy Street and my house burned down (bad wiring).

Sometimes I want to huddle in a little ball and hide from the world. Instead, I stay inside the house, inside my shell, and compare myself to others. After that, I compare others to others. I also compare myself to myself. I look around and see all of these powerful voices and feel I should be alongside of them and later question if I deserve to be among their ranks. How did it turn out that I am struggling to get there? This is why I have a hard time finishing projects and afraid to leave my house. THIS is why. Well also this question: How do I get to magnify my voice to the world without paying a publicist $3,000 per month?

When I die, I want to know that I used my life until it was tired, withered and worn. Why else am I here but to do just this? Why have I been given this magical charisma, firepower, intuition and above all else, an OVERWHELMING love inside of me that cannot be quenched? ( It isn’t there for me to be known as the woman who could leave the neatest pattern of vacuum tracks in her rug that no one ever saw or cared about.)

I need to own all of this  in order for my questions to be answered.

I have not owned my desire to be famous because fame has become a gross misrepresentation of life, especially for women.  Self-involved floozies are turning the world into their glorified shopping mall and tanning bed experience.  I could care less about those vapid things. I don’t want to be known for who I am wearing but what I have come to say.  When I get old I want to be the crone that lovingly advises women that are burdened by this same hunger to go out there and change the world.

The fact that I have not owned my desire has made me become Woody Allen level neurotic. I have placed a stigma around my own intuition.  I came into the world knowing I was special and I flat out denied it.  I made an inadvertent life purpose out of fixing abusive men, using myself as a teaching tool, emotional baggage receptacle and a punching bag instead of chasing my dreams and believing I was worthy of their fruition. I spent years pretending I was more than I was, imprisoned by false bravado when what I needed was to focus inward and speak my truth.

Ah the beauty of hindsight…but I digress.

I will no longer deny my desires. I speak them now into existence. We women have a distinct magic for performing the impossible magic of making life happen even when we don’t think we are capable of so much power.

I will no longer hide from my truth. Enslavement is still slavery even if you think you are free. I will no longer justify my choices or question my ideas. This is the core of trust.

If you want something name it.  If you do not want something, don’t focus on it. Work hard, be kind, and inspire others with your truth.

3 thoughts on “‘Fessing Up: Naming and Claiming My Desires

  1. “I made an inadvertent life purpose out of fixing abusive men, using myself as a teaching tool, emotional baggage receptacle and a punching bag instead of chasing my dreams and believing I was worthy of their fruition. I spent years pretending I was more than I was, imprisoned by false bravado when what I needed was to focus inward and speak my truth.”

    Thank you thank you thank you! I DO want to succeed in writing and I DO want to be happy. Thank you so much for your honest encouragement. I need it.

    Like

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