There are a plethora of different aspects of denial that all have the same result. When the issues you have been running from “suddenly” come to a head, denial abandons you, leaving your emotions threadbare as you find yourself picking up the pieces of a life you thought you knew. In romantic relationships, denial creates a dynamic for hanging on or checking out; making you and your partner liars in your emotional game. Harsh words, I know, but the worst of it all is not what I am saying. It is that while you are living in denial, you are losing your soul. The rigor mortis of your relationship sets in and begins to deteriorate the pretty, yet apathetic picture that you have safely painted around yourself. Denial is a matter of spiritual/emotional life and death.
We never want to admit our wrongdoings or past hurts. We may fear that we will be viewed as stupid or even worse, a victim of our circumstances. The fact of the matter is that when we decide to turn away from the garden of our mind, the weeds still grow and we become choked in our lives by the very things we run from. When you step into a relationship, you come with your past and whatever attempts you made at healing hurts, traumatic events, and mistakes made. You bring your family issues, your divorce, your singlehood, and the ways you have set yourself in. That is your baggage. When you look at yourself with half opened eyes, you bring only part of yourself to the relationship, but the baggage ends up preceding you without you noticing. Where is your baggage stowed? Have you prepared for it to fall upon your head in case of a crash landing? Aren’t you exhausted from carrying it from terminal to terminal?
In order to have a healthy present, you must release the painful past. Connecting to the truth of your life makes you more self-accepting and tills the ground to reap the benefits of the seeds of self-love that you have planted. If you keep running from your past, you will run in your relationships.
I was speaking with a woman on the line that always chose emotionally unavailable men. She was trying to figure out why they didn’t want her. She said that the latest man that she was dating was in the processes of a divorce and was still elusive to her needs. I told her to look to her father. Her father had a terrible drinking problem and was never emotionally available for her. At first she vehemently denied that it was because of her father’s addictions, however, when we listed the track record of nineteen different men that left her, she began to think about her past being a factor. Her baggage was that she wanted to fix her father, yet he never validated her presence while he was alive. He drank himself to death, and left her wondering why he didn’t love her. Her purpose was to begin healing herself, breaking the cycle to addiction, and to recognize her own addiction to fixing unavailable men. She is now in the process of healing in order to claim a sense of worthiness to attract the right man.
When you deny your right to grieve the sins of your parents, you stand to repeat their mistakes. It is simply the effect of your not focusing on the festering wound within your soul. When you turn away and believe you can handle the hurts of our past on your own, you never truly attain wholeness. This action invites codependency as well as fellow co-dependents into your life.
Denial is a deadening agent that leads to coldness as well as commitment issues in relationships. “Women are just a dime a dozen. I am looking forward to just getting laid in the New Year.” He said to me, after lamenting over a woman that rejected him. He was telling me that he tried to make it work, but she cheated on him and it hurt him. He didn’t want to see how he could heal the pain, instead he used his pain as an excuse to have emotionless sexual relationships. He was no longer open to understand that love happens; he didn’t want to get married. He just wanted to “Bury it all.” And he did so with so many different women; letting them fall in love with him as he walked from one to another with no remorse for the emotional carnage he left in his wake.
Sorrow is a volatile emotion that must be cared for as a helpless infant. When you feel helpless and unworthy after rejection, look at the benefits that the relationship brought to you. A simple shift of focus is what is necessary to begin living a life of freedom and healing. Connect to your past to be free to enjoy a relationship without running from a level of love you don’t understand. Denial is the kind of comfort zone that kills. Take heart, man up, put on your big girl pants and start sorting things out with a counselor.
You may have long lasting emotional scars that will resurface throughout different stages of your life. When you find the right partner that is the truthful mirror to your inmost self, you will find that your pasts are a strong bonding point. When you find that your baggage matches, you have a lifetime of healing one another.
Be empowered today and make a promise to yourself. Do not use relationships to hide from your emotional issues. Be honorable, face them on your own, and prepare yourself as a sacred icon of your life to share with another.