Discovery Through Doubt
“There is NO God.” I sneered to Eric, the love of my life. I went on to angrily express how much I did not believe in any kind of God that I have ever met and that it was because of pressure from a God that punished, that my family fell apart in cataclysmic ways in front of my young eyes. I opened myself revealing my internal scars as a cutter would have rolled up her sleeves to reveal the horror of her struggle. I never actually expressed my disbelief in God out loud for fear of being struck down by lightening or somehow being suddenly unplugged from the matrix in which we live. I had landmines placed in my mind that if I had an independent thought such as questioning the existence of a man with a beard who was really good at killing people, that I would also be killed. My grandmother told me every day that if I was not a good girl I would end up sick and dead like my mother. So, at 32 years old, I finally proclaimed an inmost feeling. There is NO God. I never felt freer in my life. I held my breath for a moment waiting for my life to be taken.
Eric then said something to me that was extremely profound. “Honey, you are on a journey. You need to put this in the Universe’s hands.” He tenderly continued his soft spoken wisdom. “It’s okay; the only things you are doubting are concepts.” Then a pinhole of light shone through my darkened heart. All this spiritual knowledge flooded in my mind and my heart opened and I smiled as my furrowed brow relaxed.
Concepts. We live in a world of conceptualized thinking. We impose our perceptions on others through all that we do. My mind bolstered my discovery by showing me on my mental HD screen all the different versions of Jesus. No one can even agree on his nationality, (or even his message) although I have never seen a middle eastern person with blonde hair and blue eyes. Then my mind traversed to my comfort zone, Hinduism. All the many gods and goddesses, millions of them, one for each breath of the universe it seems. They are all concepts as well. They are what the Universe reflects back at us when we look for answers to quell the fear and understand the meaning of life. There is a Buddhist koan (a paradox meant for contemplation and teaching) that states: ”If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him.” I suddenly understood what that meant. Only when one has the bravery to slay the imagery of who she thinks she knows and moreover what she thinks she knows about god can she actually partake in the rite of passage of discovery of god and self.
Eric interjected my cognitive big bang with “You are an empty vessel; it is important to be empty. Then you can fill with real knowledge. What can you be taught if you think you know everything about god? It is those people who know nothing.”
“So, essentially I put it in the Universe’s hands and kill God? Gee this is a crazy.” I felt fear rip into my soul as my eyes locked with Eric’s as he guided me through my complex emotions. A tear wet the pillow and the bed started feeling like a grave. When I realized my responsibility of trusting the universe, I thought: “No way am I going to passively allow the Universe to make my world around me.” I want and need certain things, to give and receive certain things, and it is up to the universe to know that.” As my lotus petals opened in my heart yet again, I realized what I was saying in a way that was more authentic then I have ever been able to express. I need to co-create with the universe and now I finally understand what all those kooky new agers have been saying. Putting it all in the universe’s hands is a major trust but we are not to passively wait for the universe to do something. We need to look internally at our own universe within, put it up to the grandness of the universe around us like a mirror and speak our desires AND our fears; ask for help. Oh yeah, prayer. So we really don’t have to pray to a face. We can pray to the sun, moon, stars by thanking them for what they have given us, which brings our own internal sun, moon, and stars good health, and good – soul – food.
Whatever we have going on in our microcosm (our universe within) is what we witness in the macrocosm of the universe around us. We create worlds, galaxies, nebulae and dark matter internally based on our experiences and doubtful moments. When it comes to presenting and therefore attracting blessings from the universe, dark matter – the negative thoughts, the fears, the doubts are necessary for us to be able to see the light all around us just like the backdrop of the night sky aides us in seeing the constellations. I used to compulsively work to banish negative thoughts so that I wouldn’t create blocks to receiving but all that really did was set me up for anxiety attacks and a lack of authenticity. Now, I have learned that those dark tunnels are pathways to receiving; a necessary part of the journey is to doubt. It is not sin, it is human and the very thing that makes spiritual discovery so beautiful. Wouldn’t it be silly if you said to yourself “Be less human!”
On this journey, we have no one but ourselves and what we believe in to guide us. We must accept that fact in order to understand any concept of God. Waiting on a savior and fearing punishment is wasting your own power. We are the ones that we have been waiting for. When the veil is lifted, we discover the sphere of phenomena. From bacteria to spiritual leaders, every aspect of life is there to teach us. This can be a positive encouragement or a point of destruction. It is up to us to utilize what we have learned to create our world and to make our own contributions. The fact that we are each on a path of self-discovery where doubt is an essential ingredient puts the sacredness into the practice of life. Stepping back and seeing the big picture of diversity in all that we attempt to know and understand as a collective may be an aspect of God in and of itself. This is why the breath is so important. Inhale: explore, question, discover. Exhale: learn, create, understand. What a blessed exchange.
Walk through, find you.